


...it's where we begin

by Frenchibi



Series: Oikawa Week 2016 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Days 3 + 4, Hospitals, It's not too graphic but it's there, M/M, Oikawa Week 2016, Pain, Prompts: Endings | Superpowers, Superpowers, character injury, comatose Oikawa, soulmates (ish)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7514614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frenchibi/pseuds/Frenchibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where pivotal moments in one's life can trigger special abilities - but not all of them are good</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nobody likes the Absolute

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hajiiwa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hajiiwa/gifts).



> ~~THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU KNOW I'M TOO WEAK BUT I TRIED TO WRITE ANGST ANYWAY AND NOW I'M CRYING LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE~~ ...well you said angst gives you life so... *throws this at you* here you go.
> 
> Oikawa Week, Days 3 ( ~~Beginnings~~ | Endings | ~~Green (Growth/Self-Reliance)~~ ) and 4 ( Superpowers | ~~Animals~~ | ~~Blue (Trust/Loyalty)~~ )
> 
> ...so first of all - yes, this is the prompts for Day 3 and 4 combined - which is also why it will be 4, maybe 5 chapters long. Usually I'd want to post a complete work for each day, like I have been, but here's why I can't do that this time:  
>   
>  This fic has too much scope for me to write it in one (or even two) days - I've tried, and I'm just not done yet. I'm sorry.  
>   
> Also - I'm looking at one of the most stressful weeks of my entire life, coming up starting tomorrow ~~with my final exam and a concert performance I totally forgot about~~ , and I know I won't be able to finish this until this week is over.  
>   
> I will (probably) be posting shorter fics for the rest of Oikawa Week, but this one here needs more time and energy that I just don't have. (Mostly the former.) And I don't wanna half-ass this. So I'm sorry it's not long but I promise you there's so much more coming here. Please be patient with me, you won't be disappointed.  
>   
> Thank you.

It starts with a phone call.

Hajime is doing his homework, in a rare moment of what he'd usually refer to as "the calm before the storm", because it's Monday and Tooru is out with Takeru but Hajime knows he'll come knocking to spend time with/annoy him as soon as he's done, so he's trying to get as much actual work done as possible.

When he gets the call, though, that thought turns to ashes in his mouth.

He's never heard Mrs Oikawa this broken or scared before, and even through the phone she sounds so distraught that Hajime's blood runs cold.

He hears "accident" and "hospital" and he's up and out the door before anything else can really register.  
Not that it matters, really, what happened.

The only thing that matters is Tooru, and he has to be okay, he _has to be_.

~~~

He arrives at the hospital and breathlessly asks for Tooru's room at the front desk. The woman behind it gives him a room number, and Hajime is already running again, her call of "Sir, we're only admitting family at this time-" lost to his ears.

It doesn't matter, anyway - he skids to a halt in front of the door, and just as one of the nurses in the general vicinity is about to explain to him that he can't go inside, Tooru's mother looks up and sees Hajime through the glass.

"Let him in, he's with me," she tells the nurse, and that settles it.

Hajime hurries inside, but his gratitude dies in his throat when his eyes fall on the bed Mrs. Oikawa is standing in front of.

Tooru looks... awful.

There are gashes on his arms and face, his hair is disheveled, his clothes torn - and he's not moving.

"...he's unconscious for now," Mrs. Oikawa says, "they can't say for sure what will happen-"

Hajime hears the words, but they don't really register. He just stares down at Tooru, and his vision starts to blur. He balls his hands into fists in frustration, refusing to let himself break.

Tooru's mother seems to realize this. She puts her hand on his shoulder and squeezes lightly.

"I'll... go get something to drink."

He hears the door open and close, but doesn't look to see if she's even really left. His eyes are only on Tooru.

He doesn't know what happened, but he finds he really doesn't care.

"...you're always doing reckless things," he says. He's half-hoping Tooru will open his eyes and tell him he's being mean.

He doesn't.

Hajime steps closer, ignoring the throbbing pang of worry in his chest that's making him tremble.

He reaches for Tooru's face before he can stop himself, fingers lightly brushing over his jawline-

And suddenly, there's a flash of light. Hajime gasps, startled, and his hand slips, palm coming to rest just below Tooru's collarbone.

"Wh-"

But his words are lost and he watches in horror as his fingers seem to sink _through_ Tooru's skin, passing through him like he's a hologram. And at that same moment, the machines Tooru is attached to start beeping frantically.

Hajime pulls back, but the sounds don't stop, and it barely takes ten seconds for the entire room to descend into chaos.

The door bursts open and several nurses push their way inside, expressions grim.

"Please get back immediately," one of them tells Hajime, and he stumbles to the side, out of their way.

Tooru's mother appears in the doorway, eyes wide in shock. "What's going on-"

"Please, ma'am, we need you to wait outside-"

"Wait, no- that's my son, what's happening to my son?!"

"Stay calm, we'll tell you as soon as we-"

But then one of the nurses calls "We need a crash cart in here, quickly!" and the woman trying to calm Mrs Oikawa turns away, evidently deciding that she doesn't have time to explain.

And all Hajime can do is back away further, watching as the more people crowd around Tooru's bed. The commotion blurs around him and he hits the wall, glad for its solid surface because it keeps him upright - he's not sure how long he could have kept standing on his own.

An electric hum fills the air, and someone yells "Clear!"

Hajime can't watch. His gaze drops and settles on his hand, and he realizes he's shaking. And through all his confusion and worry and the thoughts jumbling around in his head, through frantic bursts of "Tooru, Tooru-" and "Please-" and "No-", one thought emerges, surprisingly clear.

_What the hell was that?_

~~~

He's comatose.

His vitals are barely there and fading.

They've hooked him up to all sorts of machines, and apparently he's still _alive_ \- but the emphasis is on "still".

Hajime feels sick.

Sick with worry, sick with fear and apprehension - and with guilt.

The scene replays in his head over and over, once he's had time to calm down. If "calm" means "a little less shaken but twice as tense."

He's sitting in an uncomfortable chair beside Tooru's mother, whose face is still white as a sheet and whose eyes are glued to her son, even though he hasn't moved an inch in the last hour.

The machines are beeping steadily, and Hajime doesn't even really hear them anymore.

His eyes are on Tooru as well - always, always on him - but he keeps remembering how his hand passed through the setter like he didn't even exist and he can't shake this feeling of _dread_ -

And then, suddenly, it makes sense.

Hajime jolts to his feet, and Mrs Oikawa jumps in surprise.

"Hajime...?"

"I'm sorry," he manages, and then he's out the door, needing to get away from her and that room as quickly as possible.

He's not even halfway down the corridor when he breaks.

_No, no, that can't be it, it can't be-_

But it's the only thing that fits.

Hajime has no idea where he's going, and this time when tears well up and block his vision he lets them fall, because if this is true, if he's right-

This is his fault.

A voice rips him out of his thoughts - one that he recognizes, one he's heard countless times. One he's never dreaded as much as right then.

"Hajime!"

It's Takahiro, and Hajime doesn't have to turn to know that Issei is with him, too. He pretends not to hear them - they must have heard about Tooru, that's why they're here, and he can't face them like this - but of course they're having none of it.

And then, just as they're catching up to him, Hajime makes the final connection.

"Hey, Hajime, what-"

Hajime turns just in time to see Takahiro reach out, fingers almost at his shoulder.

"Don't touch me," he shrieks, shrinking back from the redhead's outstretched hand. And he doesn't know what he'd have done if Issei hadn't reached out, grabbed the Takahiro's arm and stopped him from reaching further.

Takahiro's eyes are wide. "Hajime...?"

"Don't touch me," Hajime says again, his voice still shaking. He pulls back even further, as far as he can, away from his friends until, again, there's a wall at his back. "You'll end up like T-Tooru."

"...what?"

"I touched him," Hajime gasps, his own eyes wide in fear. "I touched him and my hand _passed right through_...! And... and all the monitors started beeping and now- now they say he might not wake up-"

And he sees the exact moment that the two of them realize what Hajime is saying.

"...you- you mean-"

He doesn't want to think it, but the idea is already there, formed all on its own, and it's growing louder.

_I'm killing him. I did this. **I did this. He's dying.**_

"This is my fault," he whispers. And his heart shatters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abilities and their origins will be explained in further chapters, I promise. Thank you for understanding that I am human and prone to overworking myself. ~~I need to sleep.~~


	2. A Shot in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of panic and voices in the middle of the night

Takahiro and Issei stay until the nurse asks them politely but resolutely to leave, and it's long after the sun has set. Mrs Oikawa has left a while ago, and the two boys are huddled together beside Tooru's bed. Hajime knows, somewhere, somehow, that they're staying for his own sake as well as for Tooru's - even if they can't hug him like they want to.

It hurts, but Hajime is certain it's better this way. He doesn't want to be responsible for any more of this - Tooru's condition is already tearing him apart.

He knows that once this comes out, the Bureau is going to send someone to collect him. It's what always happens when a dangerous ability surfaces; the user is taken into custody, evaluated and their powers are analyzed - and then the Board decides whether it's safe to let the person back out into society, or if they have to be detained.

Hajime also knows that with this ability - if it is what he fears -, there's no way they'll let him keep on living like he has been. He's bound to lose his home, his friends and his freedom.

But he realizes that he doesn't really care.

Sure, he had dreams, goals, a future to look forward to. But none of that matters now. None of that matters because Tooru still isn't showing any signs of waking up.

The monitor's beeping feels like it's mocking him, like it's couting the seconds since the mistake he made. It feels reproachful, like blame and guilt all mixed together. 

(But how was he supposed to have known? How could he have prevented it? You don't feel it happen until it's too late.)

And it's the not knowing that's killing him the most. If he could be sure that he'd done this, he'd _killed_ him, at least he'd have someone to blame. But Tooru isn't dead. He's suspended somewhere in between, in maybe and guessing and _we're not sure if he'll wake_.

It's driving Hajime insane. It's constant nervousness, fear, dread. Every time someone in the room moves, he flinches. He wants the truth.

But that's not how abilities work.

There's no nice, clear-cut explanation, no rules, no limits.

You develop one, or you don't.

It could be tiny, insignificant, useless like hearing the thoughts of one single ant.

It could be enormous and game-changing, like influencing gravity or one of the elements, or even time.

You learn to control it - or you don't, and you're drugged and locked away for the rest of your miserable existence. There's no one to teach you, no guidelines, no regulations.

You're on your own.

Hajime doesn't know what his ability is, but he has an inkling, and a sinking feeling in his gut that grows more and more prevalent the longer he sits in the uncomfortable plastic chair beside his comatose best friend.

 _I did this_.

The nurse in the doorway clears her throat, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Issei gets to his feet slowly, pulling Takahiro with him.

"Hajime-"

"I'm staying," he says.

 _You should rest_ , Tooru's voice says in his head. Yeah, he'd tell him to go. He'd always lie about how bad it was in Hajime's presence, to make him stop worrying.

It never worked.

"Maybe- you could come back tomorrow, but maybe you should-"

"I'm not leaving him," Hajime says, cutting Takahiro off with fierce certainty in his voice. "I need- I need to know he's okay." And a cruel voice - his own - at the back of his mind says _he won't be, because of what you did_.

Both Takahiro and Issei look like they want to argue, but they don't. Takahiro steps towards him (and Hajime hates himself for how he shrinks back) and he reaches out.

"Don't-"

But Takahiro grabs his sleeve, tugging lightly. "We'll be back, Iwa. I promise."

Hajime fights the sting in his eyes, bites his lip and nods. The gesture brings more comfort than he feels he deserves, and guilt gnaws at his insides like fire.

The nurse at the door watches them leave, and then looks at Hajime expectantly.

"I'm staying," he says again.

"There's nothing you can do for him now-"

"I'm staying."

He can picture what Tooru would say, and the expression he'd wear. He hears him like he's right there. He's always there, somehow.

_He's stubborn. You won't make him leave, unless you do it by force. And Iwa-chan's strong. You alone don't have a chance._

The nurse looks tired and resigned, and she tells him he could get in trouble for it later - but she doesn't push further, leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

There's silence now, and it envelops Hajime like a cloak and covers the room like a heavy coat of snow, falling over everything - except those goddamn machines.

And then-

_You didn't have to stay. You should rest too, Iwa-chan._

Hajime sighs, and he closes his eyes. But that just makes it harder, because immediately it's Tooru's face that he sees, and Tooru's voice is all he seems to hear. Yeah, he'd tell him to go. He'd tell him he'd be okay on his own. He'd lie, because he'd always put Hajime first, when it comes down to it.

"Wake up, dumbass," Hajime whispers, leaning in as closely as he dares without touching him. "You have to wake up. Please."

_I'm trying._

There's a second in which Hajime doesn't move, and he allows his eyes to fall shut where he sits in his chair - but then he bolts upright.

"What."

He has to have imagined it. There's no way-

_Wait._

But he'd know that voice anywhere.

"...Oikawa?"

And he's up out of his chair, eyes wide as he stares down at his friend's motionless body.

_You- you can hear me?_

"Oh my god." And Hajime's mind races in _please, please tell me I'm not imagining this-_

_You're not! You're not, I'm here! I'm- I'm right next to you, can't you see me?_

Hajime whips around, but the room is still empty. The chair clatters as he bumps into it, scrambling for something to hold on to as he feels his knees give way.

"Oikawa?"

_Right here!_

"I can't- where?"

And then he feels something cold, like a gust of wind, a chill on his left arm. He jumps in surprise, covering the spot with his other hand.

The room is deathly silent.

_Oh. You... you can't see me. I can't... touch you._

It's just a voice in Hajime's head, one that's haunted his dreams in ways he has no words for and he'd never say aloud - but it's real this time, it's right there, and it's answering.

It's him.

Screw their boundaries, the politeness, the distance he put between them. Screw everything. It's _him_.

"Tooru," he breathes, and with the word comes a bone-crushing, all-encompassing relief that slams down onto him like a tidal wave. He sinks back into his chair with a sigh that sounds more like a sob. "Oh, God. You're here. You're- you're still here."

There's hesitation, an intake of breath, another pause.

_But... where is here? And... why am I... why am I over there, as well? Why can't you see me? Why can't anyone-_

Hajime wants to explain, but there are too many thoughts in his head all at once, tumbling over each other in an incoherent mess of _hospital_ and _accident_ , _coma_ and _worried_ and _my fault_.

But before he can open his mouth and even try to make words work, Tooru is already answering.

_Right, there was a truck... but. Why would- how is any of this your fault, Iwa-chan?_

And Hajime doesn't want him to know, all of a sudden. He wants to close it off, keep it hidden, make it untrue - but his mind focuses exactly on what he's trying to avoid, and it's like Tooru can read him like a book. _Ability_ and _I touched you_ and _I'm killing you_.

There's silence again, and it's heavy this time, like lead.

"...Oikawa?"

Hajime clenches his hand into a fist, then unclenches it again, cautiously raising it to where he thinks Tooru might be standing.

Sure enough, his fingers hit something cold - and they pass through.

"Oika- Tooru, please - I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" _I didn't know, I didn't KNOW, I didn't mean to-_

And no matter how hard he tries to avoid them, the tears come again. Because he's right here, but he's also so, so far away. And even though nothing makes sense, Hajime knows that he's losing him.

"God, Tooru, please say something, tell me you're still here, I can't- I can't lose you, Tooru-"

The cold shifts, comes closer, and the same sensation hits his shoulder, and the side of his face. He winces at the chill, tears still streaming from his eyes.

 _You're killing me_.

The words slice his heart like daggers. He stares up to where he now knows Tooru's face must be, stares and stares and tries desperately to see- but he's looking right through him, just like his fingers passed through the setter's skin. And his heart sings _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_.

And there's a whole new dread now, a fear that comes from the realization that Tooru is still here. If he's not gone, he must be tethered, somehow, somewhere-

The thought leaves Hajime in a whisper filled with gut-wrenching terror.

"I... don't know how to stop it. I'm killing you, I did this, and I don't know how to stop it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This pains me  
>  ~~@hajiiwa I suffer for you~~


	3. Do or Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the slow updates, I wanted to have this done MONTHS ago!!  
> But it's practically done now, so the last chapter will be up soon, I swear!  
> Thank you for being so patient with me :')

Tooru doesn't say anything for the longest time, so long that Hajime's mind fills with dread all over again, that this might have been just his imagination after all, his brain's messed up way of coping with the _guilt_.

But somehow, that's not it. Because even though Tooru doesn't speak, Hajime knows he's still there. He doesn't know how, or why he's so certain, but he is. It's like he can feel him, something larger than life, in the room with him.

The inital shock and relief of "he's not dead" is slowly making way for the "yet", and the more he tries to push those thoughts away, the stronger they seem to get.

Tooru isn't dead, but he's not alive, either. Suspended somewhere in between, where Hajime can't see or touch him - but technically (- logically -) he shouldn't be able to hear him either.

So why? Why is it that Hajime can? Can anyone else?

_No one,_ Tooru says. _Just you._

It's strange, how this voice in his head sounds just like Tooru, like he's really right here, right beside him. Hajime realizes that he'd give anything, anything to make that a reality again. He tries to hide this thought from him the second it occurs, but it's slipping past his control and Tooru can read him like an open book. He's in his head, he's getting a play-by-play of everything that runs through his mind.

_Iwa-chan._

That name, that voice, it's enough to make Hajime shudder, wrapping his arms around himself. He's so close, but so far away-

It's an immediate realization.

Something is holding him back, tethering him here. There must be something.

That's why Hajime can still hear him.

But no one else can? How, what does that mean, why can he hear him and no one else-

A horrible, horrible thought takes root in the depths of Hajime's mind, and even if he wants to stop it, it pushes itself into his consciousness, unbidden, unwanted, and unfiltered for Tooru to see:

What if _he's_ what's holding him back? What if he's supposed to be dead, but Hajime is not letting him go? What if-

Tooru seizes that thought, and it's almost as if Hajime can hear him gasp.

_...you could make me real._

Silence follows his words, and Hajime stares at where he thinks Tooru must be standing, even though he still can't see him.

_And why would I want that?_ Hajime's brain supplies. In any other scenario, it's what he would have said. A stupid joke, taking Tooru for granted, as always. As _always._

The thought turns to ashes in his mouth.

Tooru chuckles - a broken, desperate sound that cuts deep into Hajime's heart.

"...tell me how," Hajime says, quiet and careful. "Tell me how I can get you back."

And then, when Tooru stays silent - how should he know, really, there's no point in asking, "...you know I'd do anything."

Of course he knows. He can see it, loud and clear, because there's no doubt in Hajime's mind.

There's a tiny gasp, and Hajime feels a whiff of cold air passing through him. And then there's a choked sob somewhere behind him.

He turns, following the voice, always following-

"Tooru. Please. _Please- how can I-_ "

_I love you,_ comes the reply, tiny and raw and honest, and it rips through Hajime's chest like a dagger. _I've always loved you._

"I know," Hajime whispers, because he does, he always has, even if he's only realizing it now.

Tooru's voice tears through him like he's paper-thin and fragile, ripping him open to his core.

_I should have told you - I wasn't supposed to go so soon, not without telling you, not without showing you-_

So this is it. These are the regrets that are holding him back. Of course he'd say he doesn't have any, but he wouldn't be here if that was true.

Hajime knows what this means, even though he dreads it more than he has ever dreaded anything at all.

He will have to let go, for real this time.

There'll be no more Tooru walking beside him, narrating his life with his stories (he pretends not to listen but he cares), calling him by that stupid nickname (he loves it, he _loves it_ ), distracting him, amusing him-

Suddenly, there are fresh tears sliding down Hajime's cheeks. This is a loss he's not prepared for, it's too close, too real, too-

"Don't," he says, and he can just _see_ Tooru freeze and turn to stare at him, eyes red and blotchy and so, so frightened.

"Don't say that, Tooru. You'll... you'll disappear, and I'm not ready for that-"

_Iwa-chan_ , Tooru's voice croaks in his head, broken, vulnerable-

"You know what's going to h-happen," Hajime says, "You've latched onto me because your body can't hold you anymore, but y-you're not ready to let go yet. You're... you're here because I'm... I'm what you regret. I'm... you regret not telling me, you regret the things we couldn't do, you..."

He takes a deep breath, but he can't get the tears to stop, no matter how many times he wipes at his eyes and blinks them furiously. If only he could actually _see_ him. He could look at him, and he'd understand-

"I'm what's tethering you here, and y-you're trying to let go. You're... you're going to die for real this time, and I can't- I can't let you do that."

And then, quieter, "I can't live without you."

It's such a small confession, but it's _everything_.

He turns, facing the only real image of Tooru he can look at, even though he's been avoiding it for as long as possible. He turns, and addresses the lifeless body on the hospital bed.

"I swore I'd follow you anywhere. Please, please don't go where I can't follow. I couldn't- I can't let you go. I can't. I won't. Don't ask me to-"

_Touch me,_ Tooru says, finishing the tought, and his voice suggests he's right beside him now.

That's it, isn't it? His first touch pushed Tooru out of his body, the second touch should cut whatever ties Tooru has left.

He knows that Tooru is thinking it too, they're on the same page, they've reached the same conclusion. The second touch is the end.

Hajime shakes his head.

_Iwa-chan. Please. I don't... I don't want to be stuck like this._

He shakes his head again. "I can't," he breathes. "God, Tooru, don't ask me that. I can't. I can't."

_If... if it's really you that's doing this-_

Hajime runs his hands over his face, drawing heavy breaths, hoping for God knows what, a miracle, a solution that's different from the one staring both of them in the face.

"I can't-"

_I can't stay like this forever, Iwa-chan._

"I can't have your life on my hands. Not this, not like this. Not you."

_Please_ , Tooru says, and his voice has gone soft and gentle in Hajime's mind.

"I can't-"

_Please._

"Don't ask me to kill you, I can't, I can't!"

_Hajime._

And oh, that hurts.

His hands clench into fists and he bites his lip, curling in over himself, "I can't-", but something inside him has broken.

_You said you'd do anything,_ Tooru says.

"Not this," Hajime breathes, "not this, not to _kill_ you-"

_You're saving me, Iwa-chan. Like you always do._

He shakes his head again, like that would make any difference at this point, like he could shake this awful decision off, like he could turn back time and change all of this. Back to before Tooru was even hit by that truck, back to before this whole nightmare began.

That'd be a useful ability - but that's not how it works. Instead, Hajime is stuck with... whatever the hell this is, not knowing whom it affects or how powerful it is or how to stop it.

_...please._

Hajime wishes he'd learned to say no to Tooru. He never could, not really, not entirely. He'd always find himself turning back, even against his better judgment, and obeying Tooru's words, requests, suggestions.

Anything.

He's still shaking his head, but feels himself raise his hand, inching closer to the unconscious body beside him.

"Tooru-"

_...I forgive you, Iwa-chan._

Hajime gasps as his hand connects with Tooru's skin, fingers closing around his wrist. At the same moment, though, he sees movement in his peripheral vision. And he turns, eyes wide, to where he believes Tooru to be standing.

There's something happening there, and Hajime blinks, shocked, as something starts to materialize.

A hand, and arm, inches away from his own, fading into existence like it's coming out of the fog-

He's starting to become visible.

It's like the impact from Hajime's touch spreads across Tooru's arm like a wave, and Hajime jolts back in surprise.

He's materializing, which must mean he's detaching from his body, breaking away from what's holding him back-

"Tooru- no, NO!"

He scrambles to reach the unconscious Tooru's shoulder, like he could stop what his touch has undoubtedly begun, like he could will the process to reverse - it has the opposite effect, and Hajime watches in horror as Tooru's shoulder, his neck, and then his face appear beside him, staring at him with an equally shocked expression.

"Hajime," Tooru says, and his voice is very real now. He reaches up to his face, eyes widening even more, lips parted-

"No!" Hajime screams, "No- no, I'm not- you can't go yet, Tooru, no!"

It feels like cruel ironly, _this was what you wanted, no? To see him. Here you go._ His eyes are just as red as Hajime's must be by now, his hair is a mess and even this reflection of Tooru, this apparition has the wounds on the real, corporeal Tooru's body - except the apparition's gashes are deeper, there's more blood, and wounds in places the unconscious Tooru doesn't even have any.

But then something changes in Tooru's expression, and his eyes soften. Hajime feels absolute, gut-wrenching fear rooting him to the spot, helpless to do anything but stare and beg-

"No, no, no, don't give up-"

Tooru is entirely visible now, standing in front of his own motionless body. And he smiles, even as tears start streaming down his face.

"...thank you, Iwa-chan."

And the apparition shatters into millions of tiny pieces.

There's a bright flash of light, and Tooru's voice is the last thing Hajime hears before he's swallowed by darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear there's a resolution coming because I can't take more of this angst either  
> Come visit me on [tumblr](http://frenchibi.tumblr.com/tagged/my%20writing) to scream at me or reblog a fic or two and make my day~


	4. The end (it's where we begin)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has the nagging feeling, somehow, that he's not supposed to be here, wherever here is. He's not supposed to drift. There's an urgency that's gnawing at him, but his thoughts are slipping away like water through cupped hands and he can't seem to grasp them, and there's Hajime's voice, too, but he can't hear what he's saying-  
> And then he remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I'm an alien, cause I'm not of this world_   
>  _I have a name, but I've been changed, and now I can't stay the same_   
>  _and I'm a loser, if that means I've been lost before_   
>  _but now I found it, I'm surrounded, cause you can hear the way it sounded -_   
>  _Like angels singing with a million voices_   
>  _The end is where we begin_

There's no pain.

He drifts, and all he can do is give in, powerless, unanchored, lost-

But he can't let go, because something feels off.

Everything is warm, soft, blissful-

But something is wrong.

_Don't- Tooru-_

He has the nagging feeling, somehow, that he's not supposed to be here, wherever here is. He's not supposed to drift. There's an urgency that's gnawing at him, but his thoughts are slipping away like water through cupped hands and he can't seem to grasp them, and there's Hajime's voice, too, but he can't hear what he's saying-

And then he remembers.

The pain of the impact, a truck against his body, weak and helpless. The shock of skin on skin that sent him right out of his body. The fear that came with not being seen, not being heard, being caught in between-

Hajime.

Hajime's voice inside his head, Hajime's thoughts streaming into his brain and melding seamlessly with his own, like they belonged there, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

He wonders for a moment if should make a difference, him being able to hear Hajime's thoughts, instead of feeling inevitable.

It feels like a stupid question, because _of course it should_ , if only for the confession he heard there that never left Hajime's lips, _I need you, don't leave me_. And all the unfiltered thoughts that streamed over Tooru like he was submerged in a river, flying left and right, some of them unfinished, some of them gibberish, but some of them painfully loud and clear and laden with emotion-

The stream has slowed, now.

It's not gone, but it's like most of the water has ebbed away, leaving him knee-deep in thoughts that are easier to pick out, easier to grasp.

_I can't lose you_

_Tooru_

_please, please, no_

_don't leave me_

_I love you, I love you, don't go_

_Tooru_

_Oikawa_

_Tooru_

_I'm sorry_

_I never told you, I never told you, you can't leave yet_

_I need you_

_Tooru_

_I'm sorry_

_Tooru_

_**Tooru** _

He jolts awake with a gasp, hands flying to his chest as he snaps up into a sitting position and immediately starts coughing. There's pain again, sudden and intense, and he's afraid when he pulls his hands away from his face that they'll come away stained in blood.

But then, a second later, it's gone, all of it, replaced by a strange, otherworldly sensation that Tooru doesn't know how to describe. His eyes are clenched shut, but he opens them just in time to see the bright white glow surrounding him fade.

His hands move to his chest, to where he _knows_ there are gashes, cuts from the impact-

His fingers run over smooth skin, and he feels his own heart hammering against his chest.

They're gone.

He realizes with a start that he's _in the bed_ , where his unmoving body had been lying just a moment ago, connected to a bunch of tubes-

He spins around in alarm, sure that he'll see his own sleeping body in the sheets beneath him, like the last time he woke up, disconnected, stepping out of his own shell-

The pillow is white, and large, and very much unoccupied.

He spins back around, lifts his hands to his face - white, bony, slightly scarred from relentless practice - before dropping them onto his lap and clenching his fingers over the sheets.

Sheets that move and bunch up in his grip, sheets he can feel, sheets he can _touch_.

He's real again.

His heart is still triphammering in his chest as he tries to make sense of the how, the why, the _what happened-_

He's sure it wasn't a dream, it can't have been, because there's still this other voice in his head, whispering _don't go, don't go_ and _Tooru_ -

"Hajime," Tooru gasps, and he looks around frantically, like he'd just randomly appear in this room that he's in, alone-

But he's not alone.

There's a second bed, over by the door, and it's occupied by someone who is hooked up to similar machines.

Tooru scrambles to his feet, tripping himself as his leg gets tangled in the sheets, a sharp pain shooting up his right knee but he doesn't _care_ , it doesn't matter one bit because that's-

"Hajime," he says again, breathless, as he manages to pull free and dart over to the other bed, practically slamming into it as he skids to a stop.

The voice is louder now, and the sentences are starting to overlap, some of them fading into nonsense while others remain remarkably clear, _I need you_ , _I'm so sorry_ , and always _Tooru, Tooru, Tooru_.

Hajime lies motionless, and for a terrible, terrible moment, Tooru leans closer, searching-

It's faint, but he's breathing. Tooru has never been so relieved in his life.

He slumps against the bedframe, sliding to his knees and resting his head on the edge of the mattress.

"Hajime," he whispers. "Oh, thank God."

He reaches out, towards Hajime's hand, and his heart rate accelerates because he remembers _I touched you, I'm killing you, I did this-_

But it's not a decision, not even a question, and before he can even think to stop himself, his fingers close around Hajime's.

The room is silent as Tooru holds his breath, suddenly nervous, suddenly terrified, what if he wrecked this, what if he lost this second chance because he was stupid enough to just reach out and touch him - he doesn't even know what Haijme's ability really is, what he can do, if he's dangerous-

But who could blame him, all his life Hajime was just there, always there, never more than an arm's length away when Tooru needed him.

And God, he needs him now.

The silence stretches, and slowly, slowly, Tooru exhales.

The room doesn't spin. He doesn't black out. There's no light.

Everything stays the same, except now Tooru is holding Hajime's hand in his, squeezing so tightly it has to hurt but he can't help it, and then there's tears streaming over his face because _oh, oh, I almost lost you_.

 

Tooru has known for years that he is in love with Hajime. Hajime was the first person to treat him differently, the first person to see him for who he really was, the first person to care even though the truth under Tooru's layers is nothing close to pretty. It felt only natural that Tooru would want to give back, and he'd never learned how to restrain himself, so he gave Hajime his entire heart.

He's never had any doubts that Hajime would take care of it. Even if he never feels the same, he would never abuse the power he holds over Tooru. And that knowledge just makes Tooru fall even harder.

Hajime, the boy with the beautiful heart of gold. Hajime, his knight and protector. Hajime, who always knows what to say, what to do to flip Tooru's world completely upside down. Whose rare, soft smiles make Tooru's insides melt until he forgets everything else around him. Whose happiness is at the very top of Tooru's priority list.

Hajime.

 

Tooru pulls himself up, trying to lift his torso onto the bed, at least, but he has no strength in his legs, the adrenaline gone, swept away by bone-crushing relief.

Hajime's palm feels rough against his own, but it's warm, he's alive, he's-

The bed shifts, and Hajime groans as he lifts his free hand up to his face, sitting up in the same motion.

The river in Tooru's mind is rising again, the din becoming louder and more active as Hajime wakes up. There's soft thoughts, for a moment, and then there's a sharp stab of shock as he remembers, and-

_**TOORU** _

\- and Hajime's gaze flies from his face ( _Tooru_ and _ALIVE_ and _Oh, God_ ) down to their joined hands, and his thoughts are screaming _no, no, NO, I CAN'T LOSE YOU_ and _DON'T TOUCH ME_ , all jumbled with _Tooru?_ and _alive, alive, alive_ and _**I love him**_ and _don't leave me_ all at the same time, and an emotional impact so strong it leaves Tooru breathless.

He doesn't know where to start, how to explain, how to calm him down because his own thoughts are a goddamn mess of _Hajime_ and _Iwa-chan_ and _Oh, I almost lost you_ , and he knows his own _I love you_ is probably louder than anything else, but what good are those words going to do inside his mind, he needs Hajime to know-

And then-

_...Tooru?_

Hajime is staring at him with wide, startled eyes, and without thinking he reaches over to grab Tooru's other hand with an urgency that's unprecedented, and- _Tooru, is that- is that you?_

And by some incredible, unbelievable miracle, he feels his own thoughts echoed back to him in Hajime's voice, _Hajime_ and _Iwa-chan_ , _Oh_ , and _I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you_.

 _You can hear me-_ ( _Hajime, Hajime, Hajime_ )

 _I hear you-_ ( _It's you, I hear you, Tooru, Tooru-_ )

_How-_

But it doesn't matter because suddenly there's shaky, incredulous laughter bursting from Hajime's lips and he throws his arms around Tooru with no warning, giving him absolutely no time to prepare before he knocks them both off the bed and onto the floor in a tangle of sheets and limbs and screams of _Tooru, Tooru, Tooru, Tooru_. He doesn't even know if Hajime is using his voice or just his thoughts but who cares when he can wrap his arms around this wonderful, beautiful, incredible boy, pull him to his chest and cry into his shoulder as he finally lets himself say it out loud, what he's been dying to tell Hajime for so long he's forgotten what it's like to live without the thought in his head: "Oh, I-Iwa-chan, Iwa-chan, I love you, I _love you_ -"

And he has no words for the joy he feels when Hajime echoes the words right back at him, along with a gigantic wave of relief and giddy happiness and a chorus of _finally, finally, finally_.

Hajime flips them over so he can brace himself up over Tooru, staring down with such wonder and adoration in his eyes that Tooru's throat constricts and his heart threatens to leap out of his chest. Because he can feel it now. Everything. Every single thing Hajime feels is right there, open and his for the taking - and it's better than anything he could ever have imagined.

Slowly, slowly their thoughts start to mellow down again to a more tangible level, excitement making way for awe and happiness and a stable, balanced feeling that Tooru has no name for and has never experienced quite like this.

"Iwa-chan," he says, breathless, and Hajime smiles.

"You're alive," he says, and it's like all the remnants of pressure and fear are seeping right out of Tooru's body to make way for Hajime's relief.

"...yeah."

He still doesn't know how, or where his wounds went, but he finds he cares less and less with every passing second because this is a second chance, a chance to do everything right-

The door opens behind them, and the atmosphere around them is disturbed by a surprised gasp.

It's a nurse, Tooru realizes, and Hajime sits up, disentangling himself from Tooru and the sheets.

"Are you two alright?" the nurse asks, and Hajime smiles again as he nods.

"Never felt better in my life," Tooru says, and feels a surge of affection as his eyes meet Hajime's. He's not even sure who it's coming from anymore.

"I'll go get the Doctor," the nurse says, looking flustered, "he'll want to know that you've woken up."

When the door falls shut behind her, they both burst into elated laughter.

~~~

They're sitting on Tooru's freshly made bed in their shared hospital room, knees and hips and shoulders touching even though there's easily enough room for more than two people on the bed. Neither of them see any point in moving away.

Their mothers are there too, Tooru's behind them with a hand on each of their shoulders, Mrs. Iwaizumi hovering close to Hajime's side, clutching one of his hands in both of her own.

_What's with this super-serious atmosphere?_

_Pay attention, idiot._

Hajime gives Tooru a mental nudge, and he turns his attention to the people standing before them - a man and a woman dressed in black suits with a chrest on their pockets, from the Bureau, here on the doctor's request - who is standing off to the side now, hands clasped in front of his body in a carefully neutral gesture.

"...understand that there were indications of a highly dangerous ability, and we must take your son into temporary custody," the woman is saying, and Hajime feels both his and Oikawa's mother stiffening.

"My son isn't going anywhere," Hajime's mother says. "His ability isn't dangerous, he merely _thought_ it was!"

 _How did they find out?_ Tooru asks him, careful to keep his expression neutral.

 _I think one of the nurses reported me_ , Hajime replies. _I mean, think about it - I touch you and you fall into a coma? Not suspicious at all..._

"The woman we spoke to was of a different opinion, I'm afraid. The risk is too high - he must at least come with us for testing, Miss. If he really has an ability that can injure or kill upon contact-"

"Then I'd be dead right now," Mrs. Iwaizumi interrupts, and Tooru can hear his mother hum in agreement.

"Besides," she says, speaking up for the first time, "Hajime saved my son. Tooru was gravely injured and his recovery was uncertain - and now there's not a scratch on him. If anything, you should be testing him for healing abilities. And as far as I am aware, there is no need to detain him for that. We simply need a hospital that is equipped with the proper technology."

She shifts, turning to the doctor and squeezing her boys' shoulders as she does so. "I trust your facilities are sufficiently equipped?"

_Your mother has always kicked ass, but this takes the cake._

Tooru stifles a laugh, and Hajime can't hide his grin.

"...we are, ma'am."

_There you have it. They called my mom "Miss". Yours is on a whole other level, apparently._

_Well, she is on the Council... they probably know her?_

_...either way, she's saving my ass._

"Well then I suggest we go and perform the test right now, shall we?" Tooru's mother says brightly, looking expectantly over at the two agents. The woman is eyeing her with distaste, but she doesn't object. Slowly, the man nods.

_Score._

_Remind me to thank her later._

~~~

They're having him wait outside.

Tooru is trying not to let it show, but he's furious. He's pacing outside the door, straining to hear what's going on inside, and what they're saying - Hajime's thoughts aren't making sense either, and they're strangely muted, dull and hard to understand.

He's learning more about his own ability than he'd like - apparently it works better the closer they are to one another, and Tooru is endlessly annoyed about it.

"Tooru, why don't you sit down?"

Hajime's mother is sitting in a tiny plastic chair opposite the door, and there's another one beside her.

Tooru shakes his head. "I need to know what's happening."

She gives him a small sigh. "I know. So do I. I'm sure they're going to let us know soon."

Tooru bites his lip. Soon isn't soon enough, and it's unbelievably unfair that his mother is in there with Hajime while he isn't allowed.

"...I'm endlessly grateful to your mother," Mrs. Iwaizumi says, and Tooru turns to face her, surprised. "...if it weren't for her, they would have taken him for sure. Her authority saved us here - these tests require the presence of a Council member, as well."

Tooru knows this, actually, but he was far too busy being restless to think rationally. She's right.

"...relax, Tooru. I'm sure it will be fine. Hajime isn't dangerous."

She says it with such certainty that Tooru almost gasps. She has endless faith in her son, and in Tooru's mother, too.

"...he saved me," Tooru says quietly. "It's the only explanation."

She nods. "I believe that, too. Now they just need to find out if his ability is exclusive to you, if it was a one-time thing, or if he has general healing abilities - and the repercussions on his body."

Tooru's hands clench into fists. "Then why am I not in there with him?"

She gives him a patient smile. "They'll call for you if they need you."

She's so calm, and he hates that she's right, when all he wants to do is rip that door off its hinges.

He's gotten so used to the stream of Hajime's thoughts mixing together with his own that being apart from him is making him all kinds of nervous. Even though it's only been a couple of hours.

And just as he's thinking this, the door opens.

He spins around on his heel as Hajime's thoughts slosh through and envelop him again, _Tooru_ and _listen_ and, most importantly, _it's okay_.

"Hajime," he says, knowing that he can hear all his questions anyway, _how did it go_ , _are you okay_ , _what happened_ , with a heavy dose of fear and _I couldn't hear you_.

Hajime is trying to structure his answers so Tooru can understand instead of bombarding him with images - a young woman, heavily injured and barely breathing, a monitor flatlining, the flash of electricity as Hajime touched her arm, and then-

The monitor, flashing back into life and beeping resolutely.

_I... healed her? I think?_

Tooru's eyes widen.

"That's amazing!" he blurts, even as Hajime's mother stands up and faces the agents. "What ha-"

Everyone turns towards Tooru in surprise, and he flinches.

_...oops._

_You're an idiot._

Hajime opens his mouth to explain - and then his legs crumple under him, and he's falling.

~~~

In the end, it takes a lot of explaining.

They learn that Hajime's ability saps away almost all of his energy - Tooru still thinks it's amazing, though, how he pushes people out of their injured bodies to heal them at a speed they would normally not survive. Even if it has limits - he's good with cuts, gashes, blood loss, but broken bones tire him more, and illnesses and tumors don't seem to be affected at all. Finding out what works and what doesn't is a slow and frustrating process, and it has Hajime angry and disappointed more often than not.

After a lot of back-and-forth and his fair share of doubts, Hajime agrees to go to medical school, so he can learn to understand the object of his power, and maybe use it to change the world for the better, a little bit.

Mattsun and Makki agree with Tooru that Hajime's ability is the coolest thing they've ever seen, even if it comes at a high price and he can only do it once or twice a week at most, if he wants to avoid total hybernation for the next couple of days to regain his energy.

Tooru is harder to classify, and he ends up having to go to the Bureau's testing grounds despite his mothers vehement arguing against it - but mind powers terrify most people, and they don't let him go until they're absolutely sure that his power is, in fact, exclusive to Hajime. As it turns out, that's actually not that difficult - there's a tiny crescent-shaped mark behind both their left ears, apparently a common indication of a soulmate mind-link. Tooru is furious that they didn't check for it before dragging him to the Bureau and making him stay there for two days, and Hajime thinks it was their way of getting back at his mother (who, in turn, threatens to sue the Bureau and "take down their idiotic administration, or at least make those two goddamn agents lose their job." Tooru and his father manage to talk her out of it, but she remains furious for weeks).

Apart from these little hiccups, things don't change that much for Tooru and Hajime. They still go to school, although Hajime has to drop out of volleyball practice every so often to attend special prep courses for med school. Not that they'd let him play in matches with Tooru anymore anyway. And, of course, there's the mind-link thing.

The fact that there's no walls between them anymore should probably terrify Tooru more than anything else, but it doesn't. Because, as it turns out, Hajime's thoughts as he'd imagined them before their abilities were actually pretty close to the real thing. He knows Hajime inside out, and there's no one he'd rather share every thought and feeling with.

Then again, that's probably why they're soulmates in the first place - a fact that Mattsun and Makki cannot get over and endlessly tease them about.

But it's okay. Because that nightmarish day at the hospital slowly but surely fades to become just that - a bad dream, but one they can wake from, and one they wake from together.

_Hey._

The rustle of sheets, and an arm wrapped tightly around his waist. 

_Hm?_

_This doesn't... feel weird to you, right?_

The soft feeling of breaths exhaled into his hair, and the calming smell that is _Hajime_ , that will always feel like home to him. 

_You'd know, Iwa-chan._

_I already know more than I want to, honestly._

_Aw, you wound me. You don't mean that._

_Of course I do. (...I don't.)_

_Adorable, Iwa-chan._

_...you're an idiot._

_You love me._

A warm, fond feeling, that drowns out everything else. 

_I'm glad it's you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and that's it!  
>  I hope the ending was satisfactory and you're not left with thousands of unanswered questions :')  
> This fic took me way too long to finish but I HAD FUN! ( ~~Procrastination Station over here, see me uploading two fics in one day wtf~~ )  
> Jasper, I hope you liked this since it's technically your fault too xD as is... a lot of the stuff I've been writing recently. Damn.
> 
> As always feel free to drop by my [tumblr](http://frenchibi.tumblr.com) for anything and everything!  
> I might actually write more for this AU at some point, maybe... maybe even with other pairings? MATSUHANA? :o  
> Well, either way, thank you very much for sticking with me even though this took ages :')  
> Thank you for reading!


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